I’ve been writing this one in my mind for weeks.  I knew that putting it off would ease the amount of tears shed all at once.  The overflowing raw emotions from my heart would only get a chance to sneak out in bits and pieces (if I let them) when you weren’t looking.  You see, upon becoming a Mom I was ready and warned about a few things like the dirty diapers, lack of sleep, hardest job you’ll ever have talks, and a million other things from the kind souls/parents who would share because they wanted to be real and honest.  (I prefer the non-sugar coated version of things anyway.)  But no matter what I was told, nothing could prepare me for what I was about to experience with you.

Ava, you had colic and reflux from the moment you were born and you were my first.  Yikes! I was  clearly not prepared for this.  You would punch me on the chest and wail in sheer agony, but I just didn’t know how to soothe you. You would scream every night from 9pm – 3am and after 5 months of this “zombie family madness” Daddy’s co-workers bought us a swing to bring home for you. You slept through the night for the first time that very night and our lives were forever changed by this act of kindness.  Within months you were walking and running circles around us and then the fun really began!

It was just us girls hanging out in our new town, trying to make friends. We had a lot of fun together, but eventually the party was over and I had to get back to work. So you went to daycare and I had to leave you with strangers. I would have preferred family, but they lived too far away. :( The good news is that these strangers soon became our friends, and our friends soon became our extended family, and they were the people who helped you come out of your shell and learn to love this brave new world.  You were a shy girl (and still are at times) but with time you found your comfort zone. We joined play groups through the town’s Welcome Club, we did gym/dance classes with our buddies, and we overcame many fears and new obstacles together. (Although, you always cried when I tried to get a group photo, mainly because I was holding the camera instead of you.)

The thing is, some of the hardest lessons or anxieties for you, were just as hard for me. To witness or experience them through your eyes… was sad or upsetting and I wanted to wrap you in my arms and make it all better, even when I had to let you learn for yourself.  I wanted to protect you since the day you were born, and teach you things that a Mother should.  But how does one do this when they’ve never been a Mother before?  I did have training in “the sisterhood” and that would be my closest to Motherly training, but I had also watched your Great Grandmothers and learned from my Mom and your Daddy’s Mom too.  Hopefully this would help along the way, right?  If only they had the answers for what to do when you are scared of thunder, or your heart is broken, or when you leave for college and set off to get married one day.  Thank goodness we are still pretending to be pirates (with a side of bedhead) during breakfast, and our adventures are much more comical – ARRR! ;)

So here I am now, sending you off on your big adventure into Kindergarten, watching you walk the halls all by yourself and I wanted to tell you a few things that are in my heart (important things about you or rules to live by) and that I want you to remember.  They are in no particular order, but they are thoughts that I wanted to write down in case I forget later, in case you and your little brother send me to the loony bin (te he), or if for some reason I can’t tell you in person.

1. You are strong, important and loved…far more than you will ever know. Even when you are a teenager and we fight terribly, please know that what I do is out of love and I will always be there for you. :) Like we say now, “to the moon and back”!
2. You look so much like your Father and Tia, but you have your Gammy’s hair color and my unruly waves. You are beautiful, just the way you are (and we sing this song from the radio too)!
3. You came out determined, persistent and with a mind of your own, so the world better watch out because you are going places!
4. At the age of one, you could snap your fingers on both hands, but at 4 y.o. you couldn’t. Weird!
5. The word that I will never forget, that you said as a toddler, was “JaMamas” instead of pajamas. It was too cute!
6. You are extremely good at writing and art at 5 y.o., and you are an awesome jewelry designer too!
7. When we go on vacation the thing you always miss the most is your dog, Hank.
8. You have a favorite blankie and I really hope we don’t lose it one day. I’d like to give it to you again when you are older, and have forgotten about it.
9. You adore your brother, and he just loves you to pieces. There are times when you squeeze each other so hard that you cry. If he had his choice he would follow you around all day, play dress up or dance party, just so he could spend time with you.
10. You do get hit/kicked by your brother quite a bit now though, and I’m not sure what to tell you to do.  Fight back or walk away? Hmmm.
11. When you go to school and kids are mean to you, remember that we live by example. So do unto others as you would want them to do to you. (Keep this in mind for #10 I guess too.)
12. Being respectful is incredibly important. Respect your teachers and elders, they are there to guide you and share their knowledge.  Always be kind and respectful of animals, all living things, and also to yourself!
13. It’s okay to be wrong or to make mistakes because that’s how we learn in life.
14. What you say and do matters, even if no one is watching.
15. Expect only the best and you will get the best. Believe you deserve a wonderful life. You will never get more than you are open to receive, and this counts for your relationships too!
16. Find a way to travel, see the world and learn something new. We always loved traveling with you, plus it’s good to leave your comfort zone and gain perspective.
17. Always be kind and generous to those less fortunate. It will bring cheer to them and you.
18. Friends may come and go, but family will always be by your side. Always. (This includes your brother too silly.)
19. Focus on what you love and on things you are good at. That will guide you in your career one day.
20. Fear is your biggest enemy on the path to your dreams. Don’t follow what society says you should do or what will pay the most money. The road less traveled usually brings the greatest rewards.
21. If you are enjoying your journey, than you are truly living… and that is the whole point!
22. Life is short, things can change overnight, and we need to make the most of each day.
23. Love with all of your heart and show your affection to those who you love. A hug or kiss goes a long way, and you can never cuddle too much.
24. Always take a little time to dance, even if the whole world or no one is watching!
25. When something good is over, don’t cry, smile and be grateful that it was. There is a time, reason and season for everything.

This is all I was able to write down or think of over the last few weeks that stuck out to me.  Some of it won’t make sense now, but you can look at it in twenty years and I hope it sinks in then.  I’m sure I am forgetting some good ones, but Mama’s not perfect and that’s OK.  I used this last one (#25) on Tuesday as I dropped you off at Kindergarten and watched as my baby grew up right before my eyes.

I told you then, like I do every time that I have to leave… “Mama will be right back and I’m never gone for too long”.  But this time was a little different because I gave you the new Kindergarten necklace at breakfast.  So before I turned around and walked away, I said… “If you miss me even just a little bit then rub the necklace over your heart that says I love you, my daughter, then you’ll know I am always there”.

Stay brave and strong little girl, reach for the stars, love with all of your might, and know that I am so very proud to be your Mama! xoxo